There was something different about the way this year began. I felt different. A sense of optimism that was somewhat unfamiliar in a long time. At the time it was due to a fleeting moment that somehow just happened out of nowhere. Something that I could only have ever imagined but not for a moment did I think would ever actually happen but I did….I had to double check on numerous occasions to be sure it was actually real. So after confirming this reality was actually true I still wasn’t sure it would actually bloom into anything substantial. As things slowly went along and the thought of something really special materializing my mind began to question how I could have landed up there after the feeling that all hope had been lost where that was concerned…
So the more I felt closer and drawn to this beautiful soul the more I believe things happen in life that lead you to certain paths and for once this this path actually felt like it was heading in the right direction. Every moment from then on just drew me closer and closer to you. I felt a need to know more about you and to be with you more. These times were not without their challenges and even then the times where I thought this amazing union would end I felt a harsh sense loss. However, somehow this passed and I couldn’t help but feel that there was a sense strength added to our bond… Every moment we were together I just felt like I was consumed by your beautiful aura and nature.
For a little while I just wanted to let it all out and just tell exactly how you had completely slipped through my defenses and it really felt right. I admire you and respect you to no end. You are such a strong wonderful person and you inspire me intensely. Never before had I felt such a sense of absolute calmness with someone and when I am wrapped up around you I can’t explain the peace and at ease feeling that runs throughout my body and soul. There is really no better feeling I can compare it to. Nothing has ever come close to that. Not only does that relate on a physical level but on a spiritual level too….completely.
Sometimes I know I am naive in certain situations but already you have shown me how I can be a better person in so many walks of life. The fact is that I just utterly adore you and that there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you because even a simple thing like making you smile means everything to me or to hear that one of a kind laugh that you have is just the most beautiful sound to me. Small things like that just mean so much not only because hopefully that means you are happy but it also makes me feel on top of the world. There is no better feeling…knowing that you are happy. Thats what matters the most. We all have insecurities but in my mind you are wonderful and i’ll never desert you. The thought of you is constant throughout my day, you are the first thing on my mind when I wake and the last thing I think about as I drift off at night.When these times arise where I make mistakes just know its not intentional. I have my flaws and I make mistakes but I want to learn from them and with you I have no doubt I will. These holes in my personality are there to make you feel negative in anyway or directed at you. I would never want to make you have negative thoughts or doubts, not only for us and what we have but for anything. You make me a better person everyday. I adore you and I am completely devoted to you LMW…
“Hopelessly I’ll love you endlessly
Hopelessly I’ll give you everything
But I won’t give you up
I won’t let you down
And I won’t leave you falling
If the moment ever comes”
Not so long ago it seemed all was completely right in the bubble in which I dwell. One of those golden stretches of time you just think will never end. However the truth was known from quite early on that it was never going to be forever. I think that due to the fact that it was for reasons beyond my control it made it even harder to face and accept. Just one of those things you are conscious of but fail to actually believe will happen…thinking something will hopefully come along and change that.
Then when the time comes and you deal with the immediate effect it has on you and slowly come to terms with it all, you assume that as time goes on things will actually get better and you will come out unscathed in the end. Little do you know that’s not the case. It’s just one of those occasions where at first it feels like a gap has been created in your soul that ordinarily would repair itself but not this time….Sometimes you will be left with permanent effects for certain events but I guess you have to realize the positives. Lessons you learn and lessons that make you stronger and more aware so that in future you don’t make the same errors.
After all that has been said at least I have the clearest idea of where I stand and know that I wasted a lot of energy and makes me fearful I will not be able to let anyone in……if I am fortunate enough that someone else comes into my life.
I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that’s ever been in a situation where you simply don’t know where you stand with your own well-being. The professionals offer very little assistance or advice and I’m not someone who goes to them unless I actually have no other alternative. The only thing I can do is assess what has brought me here? I have always been able to tackle things like work, health and personal life with very little stress and negative effect.
Maybe it’s time to accept that as you get a bit older and the more you throw yourself in to work pretty much seven days a week, try and resolve the issues all your loved ones are facing as well as actually trying to look after your own heart and soul (which is often the part you neglect the most), the more you end up damaging yourself.
So that in itself will bring along a certain amount of stress for sure but then adding that to the trials of family life we all have, it starts to create a certain amount of pressure. To me it’s that kind of pressure where you just think “I can’t fit this all into one day or moment”. I’ve noticed a change in myself over the last year or two. With all this happening I’ve become a little less patient and calm in situations I would have easily negotiated in times gone by. Perhaps the biggest reason is due to the third point I mentioned earlier and explore below?
Trying to actually take care of what is going on in my emotional planet is the last thing I ever try and confront. With everything I have already mentioned intensifying the last year or so has been a emotional roller coaster in every way. It’s had moments that made me think life couldn’t get any better than this to incidents that take the wind right out of you and bring you back down to earth and even further down to the lowest depths with an almighty thud, almost rendering you a lifeless being that just unconsciously exists. When I sense my mind wondering to that part of my life I can feel myself switch the auto pilot on and just jump into something that will take my mind off that area.
At some point I realize that I will have to confront it all but as I’ve hidden that side from myself for so long I guess it’s all about trying to slowly take it all head on and even get to a point where I actually talk to someone about it verbally. I see writing it all out like this is a sizable step forward for myself. It’s not about seeing if people actually read it but more so about laying it out for myself to see and accept that we all have to deal with everything like this at some point. I don’t think I can just coast along waiting for things to just get better because…….what if they don’t?
When time drains by without any notable moments that you can actually label as memorable , It’s crazy how in the space of a few weeks you can experience moments that astound you, inspire you, shock you to the core and some things that just break you and part of you knows you’ll never quite recover…
When you witness such moments of extraordinary achievements and feel those highs along with those people who are living them. It really is a rare thing to experience such an outpouring of positive emotion on a scale like that and when it’s felt by everyone around you near and further afield it just gives off the most unique sense of pride and unity. You believe once again that there is good and togetherness in this world. Something I’ve only felt once before. Then in an instant, truths that are decades old surface revealing lies and deception that has for so long caused wide scale sadness and times quite public heartache for people who knew the real truths were being hidden away from the world so that the powers that be save face.
With everything good that you feel and experience it’s just the way (or it seems to be the way in my existence) that with every high comes deeper and harder hitting lows. Things that throw you into a frame of mind where you just question how things will ever improve because these moments always come in multiple waves even though there is ONE particular low that is the killer. You can talk about how these things are supposed to be character building or are supposed to define who you are but what happens if you just can’t accept that anymore?
I’m no talker when it comes to stuff dwelling on my mind and in my life. Mainly because I don’t think anyone actually cares. My sanctuary comes in writing my thoughts down, not for anyone particular as my theory remains the same in regards to writing my thoughts down as they do in regards to speaking about them. Perhaps more so that hopefully one day (soon) I can look at these cryptic writings and reflect on how the negative content was overcame with as few permanent scars as possible….